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Why Married Men Cheat

In researching my previous article, Why Married Women Cheat, I found that the reasons for infidelity are multi-factorial.  Female cheating is not purely sexual but hinders more on psychological shortcomings and unfulfilled emotional needs.   Men are not dissimilar.  M.Gary Neuman decided to do research from a man’s perspective in his book, The Truth About Cheating. He interviewed faithful and unfaithful guys- this is what he found:

  • 48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated – So much for the notion that men are all about sex, in fact, only 8% of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor their infidelity.
  • 66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair- Even nice guys cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they’d be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn’t done it.
  • 77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated- Some guys rationalize cheating if others are doing it. Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values. It will create an environment that supports marriage.
  • 40% of cheating men met the other woman at work – If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it’s time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn’t okay at work.
  • 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife- “In most cases, he’s cheating to fill an emotional void,” Neuman says. “He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride.”
  • Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night – 73% of men stated that they knew the women a month or more before starting the affair. This would indicate that wives might see it coming before he does.

 

Researchers agree that men cheat more than women. In Alfred Kinsey’s, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, he found that 50% of married men cheated. In 1953 he found that 26 % of woman cheat. Both those numbers have gone up since the 50s. In a 1991 study, sex researcher Shere Hite found that 70 percent of married women have cheated on their partners; a 1993 follow-up study found that 72 percent of married men have as well. According to a 2004 University of Chicago study, 25 percent of married men have had at least one extramarital affair. In 2010 a study by The Kinsey Institute found that 66% of married mean cheat. There are currently 12 million members looking for extramarital intimacy on web site AshleyMadison.com (tagline: “Life is short. Have an affair.”).

The numbers vary per researcher but we know that getting cheated on is a reality. So what do we do?  Here are some signs he maybe be straying: he spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls.  The wrong thing to do is get jealous and/or confront him before direct proof. If he is faithful and you overreact you could further the divide.  Instead control the only thing you can, your behavior. Be an advocate for your marriage.  Show your appreciation for him, plan dates and offer sex. (Sexual excitement ends with a release of oxytocin which elicits feeling of closeness)  Neuman says. “And be open about how you feel about what’s going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try”, ‘I think we’ve started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don’t want it to disappear.’ If he has definitely cheated and you can move on do it! Humans are highly sexual creatures and make mistakes. He is in fact fighting millions of years of built in instinctual drives and nature is a powerful adversary. Percentages show he probably still loves you. If the marriage is worth saving create a space for him return, give him an opportunity to come back and restore what you have lost.


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Why Married Women Cheat

Why women cheat differs from woman to woman. Some do it for love, some for sex, some need a boost in their self-esteem and some are just wired to be unfaithful. I’m of the opinion that it doesn’t matter why women cheat. Once the cheating occurs I’m not one to go looking for excuses for bad behavior. I know from experience though that if your wife has cheated, your first question will more than likely be why? Below are four reasons some women cheat. Keep in mind that the reason behind the cheating is not as important as the cheating itself. Don’t allow yourself to make excuses for bad behavior!

  •  The Low Self-Esteem Wife:

Some women become nothing more than a mother, housekeeper and wife who keeps the family running smoothly. Maybe she is feeling frumpy and unattractive. Her self-esteem is in the gutter…she no longer feels sexy, beautiful or desirable. She is married to a man who takes her and the marriage for granted.Enter into the picture a man who compliments her, shows interest in her emotionally, tells her she is beautiful. A man who looks at her and sees something other than a mother, housekeeper and wife. A woman who is having issues with low self-esteem is a sitting duck for a man like this. She may find herself willing to throw caution to the wind in order to find the validation she needs and is not getting in the marriage.

  • The Emotionally Starved Wife:

I know a couple that have no children. They both work hard so they can have the big house, the expensive cars and the prestigious lifestyle they believe will make them happy. Only problem is, they are working so hard to accumulate things that they are neglecting their relationship with each other.There is no romance in their marriage and any emotional attachments are to the “things” they’ve acquired over the years. The wife recently told me she was “lonely in her marriage.” What happens when a woman feels lonely and no emotional attachment to her husband? She goes looking for emotional attachment elsewhere.

  •  The Angry Wife:

There is no better way to get back at a husband who has cheated than to cheat yourself. It is true that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” If you want to bring out the worst in your wife let her doubt your fidelity.

I know a woman who had been a devoted wife and mother. She had spent years putting her family and marriage first. She caught her husband with his young lover and was hell bent on getting revenge. She went to Victoria’s Secret, charged hundreds of dollars in lingerie and then found someone other than her husband to show it all off to. Her husband got the bill! So, if you are out cheating on your wife do so knowing that she may end up playing “tit for tat.” Nothing is more surprising or harder to deal with than finding out your devoted wife has decided that what is “good for the goose, is good for the gander.”

  • The Wife Who Seeks Excitement:

You have heard of men who are serial cheaters…they cheat for the thrill of it. There are women who are thrill seekers also. They may love their husbands, would never entertain the thought of leaving him but they need a little something extra. It is my opinion that most “thrill seekers” miss the feeling that comes with feeling their spouse can’t keep his hands off her. She wants to be wanted, to feel sexy, as if she turns her husband on every time she walks in the room. When she loses that feeling, she goes looking for it outside the marriage.

  • The Sexually Deprived Wife:

If she isn’t getting sex at home, don’t be surprised if she goes looking for it outside the marriage. As men age their testosterone levels drop. When this happens they become less interested in sex or develop sexual dysfunction and are unable to perform. A wife ends up with a husband who would rather watch football or read a good book at bedtime than have sex with his wife.

He would rather do anything other than take the chance of trying and then not being able to perform. He withdraws from his wife instead of discussing his problem and coming up with a solution to the problem.

Then you have men who withhold sex as a form of punishment. Men who don’t communicate their dissatisfaction with something their wife has done but punish her by withdrawing from her sexually.

Whatever the reason is, ignoring the sexual needs of your wife sets you up to one day have to deal with the pain of her cheating. When a woman feels her husband no longer wants her sexually, she feels deprived and uncared for. Feelings that may spur her into going outside the marriage to find what she needs.

Regardless of the reasons women cheat there are no excuses for being unfaithful. I had an email recently from a reader; he stated, “While no one ever twists the arm of a cheaterto offend, does it not seem plausible that a spouse who dismisses overt dissatisfaction share some responsibility in paving the way for these things to happen?” My response was “no.” No one is ever responsible for cheating but the cheater. If a wife is having problems with self-esteem, or feeling sexually deprived she has options open to her other than cheating. First, there should be effort put toward solving the marital problems. If that can’t be done there is divorce court. Anyone needing something they can’t find inside the marriage should wait until they are legally free before seeking it outside the marriage.

Article from- Divorce.about.com


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50 Shades- feminist success or gender role fragmentation?

Hey Guys Dr. Max here for our third installment of Grey Mondays, where we discuss elements of the book/film, Fifty Shades of Grey.    In the book, Christian Grey is obsessed with control and wants to dominate Ana. He is deep in to the BDSM lifestyle equipped with dungeon and all!  Ana being a virgin and obviously inexperienced is thrown into this world ill prepared for the intense nature of it.  So why is she enticed to go along with it? What it is about Christian and his deviant ways that have made the character Ana swoon and women around the world buy this book?  100 million of them BTW!

Domination and submission have been in the matrix of male/ female relationships for a long time.  Darwinists who prescribe to the standard narrative would say women secretly want to be dominated. The females of any mammalian species succumb and mate with the “Alpha”,  Since he is the strongest and most virile.  Her attraction to him belays the hope of strong gene dissemination.

Is Ana drawn to Christian because he is the modern “Alpha”?  In this version, being in a controlled provider is beneficial. It’s romantic for a man to take care of everything.   Christian does control more than the bedroom.  He is financially dominant and buys Ana lots of nice things like expensive books, a computer and a car.  He also shows up just in time, like a super hero to save her from a perilous bike crash and unwanted advances from a drunk man.  I think everyone could use a lover or friend like Christian.  So, in the beginning what draws Ana and women readers to Christian is probably romance.  But to really understand why this book is so popular we must look deeper.

Our instinctual bio-sexual origins could give us more insight. We have evolved from our hunter/gather, pre-agrarian societies and commoditized everything. Goods, services and sex are produced and sold as commodities  Marriage became “ownership” and a way to track land inheritance. Sex becomes big business and our relationships now are based on money.  Sex also becomes a way for a woman to access male resources.  Now add in the sexual revolution of the 1960s. include the feminist movement demanding equality and you can see how our gender roles get blurry.  Confusion breeds indecision which causes many to become insecure and submissive.  We know that Ana is confused about her feelings toward Christian and her attraction/ repulsion to the BDSM lifestyle.  She also is desperately insecure- she feels less desirable than her roommate Kate and is lacking stable father figures.  Maybe Ana is the embodiment of the modern American woman.

Soraya Chemaly from the Huffington post argues that the success of the EL James Fifty series is the “proliferation of the romance- erotica genre.”  More importantly that the books are not notable for women’s interest in trangressive sex but how women are using technology to subvert gendered shame by exploring sexual content privately on-line. She says that instead of submission fantasies representing a discomfort with power and free will, women’s consumption and sharing of this content is a feminist success.  I disagree. The modern woman is fascinated by the Fifty series because like Ana they don’t know what they want.  They are exploring their inner thoughts as Ana explores Christian’s dungeon. The feminine repulsion/attraction of sex, boredom with lustless marriages and the battle for sexual control will form the boundaries of the next sexual revolution.

 

Key Discussion points

 Do women like being submissive?

-Women want to feel feminine whereas men want to feel masculine – this stems from gender roles (letting the man handle things and being submissive)

-Some women find it romantic when a man takes care of her

-Submission is about trust and allowing a man to work his magic

-Psychological nature vs nurture

-Women in ancient history were dominated and taken: survival of the fittest, alpha male

-Now we have moved away from ancient history, men and women’s sexual roles are confused now, feminism

-insecurity and low self esteem drives submissive behavior

-If woman has no Father figure, the new man in her life takes over that role


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Why Does Sex Exist?- Part 2

We know from part 1 that reproduction can happen randomly and that males and females aren’t necessary to produce offspring. So why does sex really exist? To understand this, you have to go back to our genetic beginnings.  Single-celled organisms started life on earth, (and are still the most numerous and successful), from there they mutated and multiplied. As these new organisms became more elaborate they faced new dangers. One major issue is attacking parasites. Disease ridden bacteria and viruses become a paramount threat. By mutating and replicating, the healthy cells lived long enough to reproduce. However, as life forms became more elaborate, mutations became slower.  That put the process in peril.  A species’ success depends on mutating faster than the bad bugs.  So nature decided to try something new and VIOLA, sex was born! Nature’s experiment so begins – combine genetic material in faster ways to keep up with the replicating villains. This makes us better, healthier carriers for good cells. Sexual unions formed powerful combinations of strong cells and it worked so it stayed.

It takes complex organisms, like animals, relatively long to reproduce, so mutation through sex kept the healthy alive to stay ahead of the bugs. The healthy disease resistance genes were passed on to the next generation.  In his 1993 book, The Red Queen, Matt Ridley argues this disease – resistance theory.  He explains that the virus that causes AIDS has mutated and changed its genitic makeup more times in a decade than humans have changed in millions of years. So through the millennia, to fight the onslaught of bacteria and viruses trying to kill us we had to find a way to beat them at their game.  Sex kept many species, (including ours) alive.  As evolution plundered on, males and females became the preferred delivery systems of chromosomes; 23 from dad and 23 from mom.  Oh and don’t forget the two sex cells.  A XY chromosome = your buying blue, and XX=your buying pink.

I know what your’re thinking, could there be anything more un- romantic? Are we simply vessels driven by cells to combine chromosomes in order to keep the species alive?   Is that why we are attracted to each other?  Science says yes, religion says no. Romantics and realists can argue it ad infinitum, but there is one thing that we can all agree on. Humans (or my fav abbreviation -H. Saps), do it best.  We think about it more, have it more, enjoy it more and bond stronger from it than almost all other animals-  Stay tuned to find out why and how it has become the cornerstone of our success.


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Pudenda Agenda- Bush is the new Black

A 2013 article in, The Cut, says Bush was back. So ladies, if you are still bald get with it and start rocking some downtown brown. Your men will revel in your new appearance. Not because it’s fashionable and they keep up with this stuff. It’s because anything that has to do with your veejay has him locked in. Especially if it means more sex. No pubes makes most of us feel like pedophiles anyway. (Hair =WOMAN)

What a relief this must be for females. It had to be a pain in the…. well, vagina, to deal with the up-keep. Shaving causes skin irritation and possible infection. If you don’t want that you get the bonus prize of waxing! “Ouch!” (I had to endure waxing practice on my back once, from an aspiring esthetician, and I can’t imagine going through that much pain down there). All perfect excuses to let it grow. I am envisioning some new names, “The Pyramid of Jeez-a”, “The Bolivian Air Strip” or “The Nike Swoosh”. Whatever way you go, there is nice symmetry when you have hair perfectly between the hips. It’s like a visual beckoning to the Promised Land.

If we’re being real, most people’s bottom bonanza isn’t great to look at,(man or woman). Once if you get objective and the excitement is over, the allure is gone. So they should both be dressed up with a little covering. That being said, let’s not go full– “KC and the Sunshine Band”. A 70’s Afro can be intimidating, so do some scaping,

Shaving or extra trimming between your legs and around back is still encouraged. That’s where the magic really happens and nobody performing oral wants to deal with getting through a briar-patch . So keep it tight on top, built for speed down below and away you go!


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It’s Just F…cking Lipstick

It seems Kat Von D might be fielding some calls from Sephora today regarding possibly pulling her new lipstick line called “Underage Red”. A tweeting shopper complained about the name and it went viral. This is not the first time this has happened. KVD pulled a lipstick called “celebutard” because of pressure from mentally handicapped advocacy groups.

KVD’s response was “It’s Just F..ing lipstick.” I couldn’t agree more. Celebutard is Hilarious and relevant- Hilton, Lohan, Kardashian. The latter became famous BTW because of a “leaked” sex tape. I wonder how many of these people who are outraged over lipstick also boycott the media/commercial empire of the Khardasians?

I’m not discounting that underage sex is an issue in this country and underage human trafficking is a problem of pandemic proportions but we are barking up the wrong tree. All this fuss will do anyway is cause more young girls to want to buy Kat Von D’s products.


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Why Does Sex Exist?

Sex exists because it’s fucking awesome!  But doesn’t the title question fit in to the old adage “If it’s not broken don’t fix it?” Some things should just be left alone and enjoyed.   I agree, but alas I did sign up for this whole sexology thing so here it goes.

I’ve asked this question to a lot of people and there are two prominent answers. The first and most popular is for reproduction.  After people say that, they usually give you a look of disdain as if they received a degree in baby making from Harvard medical school.  So that’s it right?  Not quite, if that was it then nature would have devised a simpler way to reproduce, one without the health risks for females- its much easier laying eggs. We could do away with courting rituals like the peacocks strut and classy dinners at The Olive Garden, Male dueling like big horn sheep and elaborate mating. Some birds mate in flight plummeting to the ground.  In fact some animals engage in Parthenogenesis, breeding without sperm/egg fertilization, (which is what sex is supposed to do). In SEX: A Natural History, Joan Ellison Rogers discusses animals that are solely female. There is a species of lizard that lay and fertilize eggs all by their lonesome. No males! Sparking the notion that men may become superfluous in humankind as well in due time.   If so congress would work better and there would be less terrorism. Oh and why do we have nipples still anyway?

The second most popular answer is, “because it feels good.” And, they are partly right as well.  When we engage in acts that are healthy our brain emits dopamine.  Feelings of pleasure follow almost immediately.  Eating food for instance, exercising and having sex induce feelings of pleasure because it’s in our best interest to continue doing them.  It’s nature’s way of programming needed responses.  Booze and drugs feel great… so I’ve heard…because they artificially generate dopamine output.  OK, so it I feels good, so we want to do it, we win fair lady by wooing her with our feathers or red Porsche, so she thinks we have good genes, she finally breaks us off a slice, we do it and have babies.  But again we go back to same issue- why all the fuss?  Couldn’t we just massage each other when shes ovualting and deposit sperm onto eggs that way?

Through the evolutionary process nature uses mating, breeding and sex, in our case, Like darts thrown at a board.  The Homo Sapien dart has done well.  Our success as a species is multifactorial. However, one of the undeniable reasons is in the way we pair bond, have sex (the best on the planet) and reproduce.  Psychologist Diane De Simone says to fully understand human sexuality you must start at the genetic level.  Stay tuned.


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I Guess There Is Hope For All Marriages!

Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett have been chumming it up on the red carpet lately proving to all the nay sayers that their marriage is holding on thru the storm.  Who would have thunk it?  I mean an affair is one thing but an affair with a transgendered model is another and in front of the whole world.

The former Playmate was rocked by reports of Hanks infidelity last fall after her husband’s “alleged”, affair with the  transgendered model Ava Sabrina London. The affair supposedly went down in April 2014 while Wilkinson was eight months pregnant with the couple’s second child. In late November, the couple went public about their struggle. Kendra soon after took Hank back.

“It’s going to take a lifetime to trust him again,” Wilkinson told Us Weekly. “All I can say is I believe Hank. I love Hank. And he’s proven to me that he’s worth forgiving and fighting for… He was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and unfortunate things took place. He’s very gullible and naive.”

Naive?  haha thats a good one!

Baskett told Us Weekly that he would do whatever it takes to make his marriage work. “I will spend my life trying to get Kendra to trust me again,” the former pro football player said. “Our relationship is still day-to-day. I’m still working on regaining Kendra’s trust.”  couple are “doing better now than they have been in a long time”


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Dakota Johnson hosts SNL

Dakota Johnson, the star of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY hosted Saturday Night Live last week.

DK

She was funny and seemed ready for the stardom she has recently acquired. In one classic sketch she and Christian Grey (played by Kyle Mooney) met with construction workers redoing their “play room”. The workers assured them that they added 12 new “weener holes” to the wall. Dakota was a controversial choice to star in FSOG but she showed chops in an appearance in the SOCIAL NETWORK, opposite Justin Timberlake in a sexy Stanford underwear scene. She also showed comedy range in THE FIVE YEAR ENGAGEMENT. She hales from top Hollywood pedigree. Her parents are the uber-famous Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. Her Grandmother is Tipi Hedren, the beautiful Alfred Hitchcock heroine most known for her starring role in the THE BIRDS. Dakota and her mother had an endearing interview at the Oscars where Griffith stated she didn’t want to see FSOG because of its sultry nature. It’s funny she feels that way as she definitely used her sexiness to bolster her career. She has done many nude scenes (check out her 80’s film BODY DOUBLE) and even did a Playboy pictorial.

Dakota’s parents even made a cameo in her opening monologue for her SNL appearance which was awkward but funny. It was made apparent that Melanie hosted SNL exactly 9 months before Dakota was born which would indicate that she possibly was conceived the night her mother hosted.