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“Infidelity Wesbite”, Ashley Madison Hacked

Ashley Madison founder Biderman demonstrates his website on a tablet in Hong Kong

(Reuters) – Hackers claim to have personal details of more than 37 million cheating spouses on dating website Ashley Madison and have threatened to release nude photos and sexual fantasies of the site’s clients unless it is shut down, blog KrebsOnSecurity reported.

Ashley Madison’s Canadian parent, Avid Life Media, confirmed the breach on its systems and said it had since secured its site and was working with law enforcement agencies to try to trace those behind the attack.

The hackers, who call themselves The Impact Team, leaked snippets of the compromised data online and warned they would release customers’ real names, profiles, nude photos, credit card details and “secret sexual fantasies” unless their demands were met, Krebs said. (http://bit.ly/1fWNcar)

The hackers also demanded the closure of another of Avid Life Media’s sites, sugar-daddy site “Established Men”, but did not target the company’s “CougarLife” site, which caters for women members looking for “a young stud”.

Ashley Madison, which uses the slogan “Life is short. Have an affair”, has been planning to raise up to $200 million through an initial public offering on the London Stock Exchange.

The breach comes about two months after dating site Adult FriendFinder was compromised. That site has an estimated 64 million members.

The Impact Team, in a screengrab showing on the Krebs blog, say it had taken over Avid Media systems including customer databases, source code, financial records and emails.

“Shutting down AM (Ashley Madison) and EM (Established Men) will cost you, but non-compliance will cost you more,” the hackers said.

They said users who had paid a fee to Avid Life to have their personal data permanently deleted had been lied to and the company had retained records, including credit card information.

(Reporting by Abhiram Nandakumar in Bengaluru; Editing by Rodney Joyce)


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Honesty Is Not The Best Policy… (Early On)

In early relationships we are in the “Wonder of me phase”.  Everything we learn about our new infatuation is nascent. We present our best selves and are intoxicated by the personality of our new interest.  However, many people sabotage relationships by being too honest.  For the first three months, we are hopped up on dopamine and serotonin drawing us together. This is nature’s calling card, However, after three-six months, the hormonal attraction begins to die off. The red flags we chose to disregard in place of libidinous urges start to resurface and the wrong information we gave out during this early phase of a relationship can be destructive.

In the beginning everything is amazing. The sex is hot. We spend long nights on the telephone like teenagers, longing to know everything.  But be cautious, the answers given during this time need to be considered carefully and total honesty can be deadly.  Many off us ask questions about our new partners’ sex experiences.  Women, this a RED ALERT!  He really doesn’t want to know the craziest things you’ve done, or how many partners you have had, (If he perceives them as a lot).  It will eat at him and many times ends up resurfacing later during a fight.

The following are real situations that I have either experienced first hand or dealt with in therapy.  They will be presented with multiple choice answers of possible responses. The real answers will be showed along with how it hurt the relationship.

  1. (Four months together) A young woman is in love but still wants to have an active social life. She is honest about that from the beginning and goes out a lot.  After a big weekend with her friends (3 party nights out) he says it doesn’t work for him. They talk and agree that one day a week is enough for her to go out but any more is unacceptable. She lets him know that there is a weekend that her friends have planned and she needs to go. He reluctantly agrees. Leaving to go out he says “Have a good night and let’s talk tomorrow”.  She responds by saying that she will text him if she has a chance.  (She stays out until 6 a.m. going to parties in Hollywood).   He misses her call in the AM, and she leaves a message that she has a pool party to go to and will call him that afternoon. She calls him and he picks up.  (The pool party is very fun with lots of guys giving her attention)   What should she say?
    1. “Hi honey, so sorry, I didn’t have my phone last night, the parties were OK but I miss you so much. I’m at a party now but it’s not that much fun, I’m missing you, when can I see you?”
    2. “Hi Hon, OMG, didn’t have my phone last night. Crazy night! I didn’t get home until 6am. By the way (Insert an “A” list celebrity name) was there and was hanging all over us. I’m at a pool party now, so fun, and I’m telling guys here I have a BF but they won’t let up”.
    3. “Hi Hon, sorry didn’t text you last night. I didn’t take my phone out so guys won’t ask for my number. Really fun night but I’m tired.  I’m at a party with a lot of drunks. I’ll be home tonight and I’ll call you. When can I see you this week?”

Answer 2 is the actual truth of what really happened, and that is the answer she gave.  But is it really crucial that her BF knows all of it?… NO!  It demonstrates her insecurities. She wants him to know how cool she is and that she is a sought after woman. Unfortunately, that is not the message it sends. It says that she needs male affirmation. He realizes how much work this relationship will be and breaks up with her.  3 is the best answer. It states the facts without causing her BF to be jealous and can be a relationship saver.

  1. (Four months together) A couple are falling in love but have a long distance relationship. (3 hours by car). The girl is insistent on speaking every day and being totally transparent about everything. The guy vocalizes that this is too intense but relents to please his new found love. It becomes apparent through daily conversations that she has a very close guy friend who she spends a lot of time with.  They have drinks and smoke pot together. She goes to dinner and movies with him.  One night he calls her and he is in her room on her bed. She offers no explanation and acts like it is innocent.  Wanting to be sure, he later asks if he should be concerned and if they ever dated.  ( In fact they have been friends for a long time and had sex once. She really loves her BF and this guy is just a friend ). What should she say?
    1. No we have never dated. You have nothing to worry about. He’s a very special friend of mine and my family and that is the extent of it”.
    2. “No we never dated but we hooked up once randomly and it was a bad decision. We are much better as friends and that is all I want from the relationship”.
    3. “No we never dated but we did F#$ck once. Now he is just a friend.”

2 and 3 are the truth. If the couple is keeping up with transparency, the fact that she did sleep with him is consistent with that.  However 1 is the best answer. It’s not lying.  They did not date and that is the question that was asked.  If he follows up and asks if they hooked up then that changes things and answer 2 is relevant.  But he didn’t, and maybe he won’t. It’s very possible that all he wanted is assurance that there is nothing to worry about and doesn’t want the gory details.  Her answer was 3.  The “F” word was a bad call. It makes her seem callous about sex and that she is prone to one-night stands.  The relationship never recovered and this “friendship” was a source of distrust that brought the relationship down

  1. (One year together dating casually) A group of guys go to Las Vegas for a bachelor party. Many of his friends are single and players.  He has told her about his friends’ escapades and uses the stories to assert his difference from them. His girl told him that she wants to be totally honest about everything, even bad stuff.  She states that if they want to move forward as a couple, they can work through anything. ( During the weekend he hooks up with a girl but they don’t have sex. He has some guilt)  He knows it was a mistake and doesn’t want to lose what he has.  When he gets home she asks him if anything bad happened in Vegas.  What should he say?
    1. “Honey sit down, I feel so horrible, I made a huge mistake. I got drunk and hooked up with a girl. I know we said we can be honest about everything and that’s what I’m doing. I love and you are the only person I want to be with.”
    2. “No honey nothing bad happened. We partied hard and it made me realize that the single life isn’t for me. I only want to be with you and spend my life you.”
    3. “Yes honey something bad did happen. I made a mistake and hooked up with a girl. It meant nothing and I just love you.”

Answers 1 and 3 are the complete truth.  The couple did have a pact that they should be honest about everything.  However, she asked him if anything bad happened. That can be taken different ways.  Bad?…. He didn’t kill anybody, go to jail or lose a 5 grand. Those are bad things.  He made a mistake which made him realize how much he loves her.  That actually could be viewed as a good thing.  Unfortunately, he chose answer 1.  The reason he told me is that he couldn’t handle the guilt of lying to his GF.  That makes it about him. He is actually telling her to appease his own guilt.. If he did this “bad”, thing then he has to deal with that fact by himself.  His catharsis should not include hurting his GF. In the end, she didn’t believe that they just “hooked up” and never trusted him again.  They ended up breaking up.

Dishonesty should not be a rule. The paradigm changes when relationships have been established by being together for years or by marriage.  Then, honesty can be a powerful ally. But trust must be established first.  Before that point, brutal honesty is a bad idea and can kill otherwise strong bonds.


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Janes Addiction

It seems like sex addiction makes headlines every time a public figure is caught in a cheating scandal. Tiger Woods: sex addict. Anthony Weiner: sex addict. Charlie Sheen: sex addict. It’s often unclear whether their admissions are true or simply an excuse for infidelity. But for the estimated 12 million Americans who are said to suffer from sex addiction and the psychologists who treat them, it’s a serious mental health issue.
“Sex addiction is a compulsive behavior ranging from watching pornography to engaging in sexual activity to get ‘high’ or numb from reality,” Dr. Stacy Seikel, chief medical officer of RiverMend Health’s Integrated Recovery Services in Atlanta, tells .This may sound like a safe, even enjoyable addiction, especially compared with other compulsions — such as abusing drugs or alcohol — that can lead to hospitalization and death. But sex addiction is just as persistent and doesn’t necessarily achieve the pleasure or comfort most expect from a sexual experience. “Breaking the addiction can cause anxiety, insomnia, poor concentration, depression, irritability, mood swings, and isolation,” Seikel says. “The person is seeking a feeling or sense of satisfaction that may not be met.”
So who are sex addicts? Though it’s often thought that sex addiction is the result of sexual trauma or something that affects creepy old men who watch porn in dimly lit basements, in reality, sex addiction can affect anyone. And cybersex addiction is rapidly growing in women, Seikel says.
Related: Are You a Serial Dater — or a Love Addict?
Take Erica Garza, for example. “I feel like I always knew I had a problem with sex and masturbation, even from the very beginning of my sexual exploration when I started having orgasms at age 12,” Garza, a professional writer and essayist who has struggled with sex addiction, tells Yahoo Health. “I admitted openly that I had an addiction and needed help when I was in my late 20s and met my husband.”
Garza’s addiction started with masturbation, which helped her escape her emotions. “I was raised Catholic, and never heard other girls talking about masturbation. I immediately associated my sexual excitement with shame,” she says. “Then I discovered porn, and my tendency to reach for these habits became more immediate and intense, and my shame grew bigger and more powerful. I believe these thoughts of shame are what fueled my sexual habits into actually becoming addictions over the years.”
Before her marriage, Garza says, she took part in destructive behavior and acted out in relationships. This is not unusual among sex addicts: According to Seikel, cheating; lack of intimacy; multiple, random sex partners, unsafe sex, and compulsive masturbation are common characteristics.
The American Psychiatric Association first recognized sex addiction in 1987 in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III). According to the definition in this manual, sexual addiction as a mental disorder — clinically called hypersexuality disorder — is distress about a pattern of sexual conquests involving people who exist only as things to be used. Sexual addiction was removed from the manual update in 1994, and re-introduced in 2013 as a condition that requires more research — though it’s not considered an official diagnosis.
This opened doors for doctors, psychologists, and researchers who don’t see sex addiction as a diagnosable disorder, but rather a concept based on the fear of sex, to speak out. “People with high libido, internalized conflicts over sex, relationship conflicts over sex, LGBTQ orientations, and coping skills that use sex for stress management, are often labeled as sex addicts,” says David Ley, a clinical psychologist in Albuquerque and author of The Myth of Sex Addiction. “This is inappropriate, stigmatizing, and shaming.”
Related: What Would The World Be Like Without Mental Health Stigma?
Garza, on the other hand, thinks it’s wrong for people to think that she does not have an addiction or that her symptoms are not the same as those with diagnosable disorders. “I can listen to someone talk about their sex addiction, their alcohol addiction, or their drug addiction and, while the ‘drug of choice’ is different for each, so much else — the underlying emotions of shame and isolation — are similar,” she says. “It all comes back to escape.” She thinks it’s brave for anyone, celebrity or not, to admit to their addictions because it could help end the taboo.
Sex addicts, like Garza, often see therapists so the behavior does not run their lives. Cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective therapeutic method, Seikel says. But according to Ley, there is no evidence that sex addiction can be cured or treated, or even needs to be. He says: “No one in the history of the world has ever died or got sick when they didn’t get to have sex.”
Garza is just one of the many who lives with sex addiction, and each person’s experience is surely unique. To find out some other candid descriptions of what it’s like to live with the addiction, we teamed up with Whisper, the free app that allows users to share their secrets anonymously. Check them out below:

Sex addiction may not be officially recognized by the “psychiatrist’s bible,” but people with the condition say it’s all too real.
It seems like sex addiction makes headlines every time a public figure is caught in a cheating scandal. Tiger Woods: sex addict. Anthony Weiner: sex addict. Charlie Sheen: sex addict. It’s often unclear whether their admissions are true or simply an excuse for infidelity. But for the estimated 12 million Americans who are said to suffer from sex addiction and the psychologists who treat them, it’s a serious mental health issue.
“Sex addiction is a compulsive behavior ranging from watching pornography to engaging in sexual activity to get ‘high’ or numb from reality,” Dr. Stacy Seikel, chief medical officer of RiverMend Health’s Integrated Recovery Services in Atlanta, tells Yahoo Health.
This may sound like a safe, even enjoyable addiction, especially compared with other compulsions — such as abusing drugs or alcohol — that can lead to hospitalization and death. But sex addiction is just as persistent and doesn’t necessarily achieve the pleasure or comfort most expect from a sexual experience. “Breaking the addiction can cause anxiety, insomnia, poor concentration, depression, irritability, mood swings, and isolation,” Seikel says. “The person is seeking a feeling or sense of satisfaction that may not be met.”
So who are sex addicts? Though it’s often thought that sex addiction is the result of sexual trauma or something that affects creepy old men who watch porn in dimly lit basements, in reality, sex addiction can affect anyone. And cybersex addiction is rapidly growing in women, Seikel says.
Related: Are You a Serial Dater — or a Love Addict?
Take Erica Garza, for example. “I feel like I always knew I had a problem with sex and masturbation, even from the very beginning of my sexual exploration when I started having orgasms at age 12,” Garza, a professional writer and essayist who has struggled with sex addiction, tells Yahoo Health. “I admitted openly that I had an addiction and needed help when I was in my late 20s and met my husband.”
Garza’s addiction started with masturbation, which helped her escape her emotions. “I was raised Catholic, and never heard other girls talking about masturbation. I immediately associated my sexual excitement with shame,” she says. “Then I discovered porn, and my tendency to reach for these habits became more immediate and intense, and my shame grew bigger and more powerful. I believe these thoughts of shame are what fueled my sexual habits into actually becoming addictions over the years.”
Before her marriage, Garza says, she took part in destructive behavior and acted out in relationships. This is not unusual among sex addicts: According to Seikel, cheating; lack of intimacy; multiple, random sex partners, unsafe sex, and compulsive masturbation are common characteristics.
The American Psychiatric Association first recognized sex addiction in 1987 in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III). According to the definition in this manual, sexual addiction as a mental disorder — clinically called hypersexuality disorder — is distress about a pattern of sexual conquests involving people who exist only as things to be used. Sexual addiction was removed from the manual update in 1994, and re-introduced in 2013 as a condition that requires more research — though it’s not considered an official diagnosis.
This opened doors for doctors, psychologists, and researchers who don’t see sex addiction as a diagnosable disorder, but rather a concept based on the fear of sex, to speak out. “People with high libido, internalized conflicts over sex, relationship conflicts over sex, LGBTQ orientations, and coping skills that use sex for stress management, are often labeled as sex addicts,” says David Ley, a clinical psychologist in Albuquerque and author of The Myth of Sex Addiction. “This is inappropriate, stigmatizing, and shaming.”
Related: What Would The World Be Like Without Mental Health Stigma?
Garza, on the other hand, thinks it’s wrong for people to think that she does not have an addiction or that her symptoms are not the same as those with diagnosable disorders. “I can listen to someone talk about their sex addiction, their alcohol addiction, or their drug addiction and, while the ‘drug of choice’ is different for each, so much else — the underlying emotions of shame and isolation — are similar,” she says. “It all comes back to escape.” She thinks it’s brave for anyone, celebrity or not, to admit to their addictions because it could help end the taboo.
Sex addicts, like Garza, often see therapists so the behavior does not run their lives. Cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective therapeutic method, Seikel says. But according to Ley, there is no evidence that sex addiction can be cured or treated, or even needs to be. He says: “No one in the history of the world has ever died or got sick when they didn’t get to have sex.”
Garza is just one of the many who lives with sex addiction, and each person’s experience is surely unique. To find out some other candid descriptions of what it’s like to live with the addiction, we teamed up with Whisper, the free app that allows users to share their secrets anonymously. Check them out below:
1124327e3bdf5979325eaf282f6ea3511f7dcf56d21cc4c075968fcc828d715c2a66572e8e4b68791c01112fb0b5d79abb748a8a8a78f3fc6792fa63
1cf8360a4323f359e718ad433418ee78b1f88c946a7f24242a50cbf4aef1a1e61a4724ebce6a7ae423bffc46517e7e95d658533f7c3cceb242305623
91a4dc57ea062fa00685f41e5133cb0506909091621667e59ddc47613b269f84bf1d1024f080b72fa6b20daa0f6e86eb93b5cb3325cd2515cd010f5f
(From Yahoo news)


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Gay Marriage is legal!

Washington (CNN) In a landmark opinion, a divided Supreme Court on Friday ruled that same-sex couples can marry nationwide, establishing a new civil right and handing gay rights advocates a historic victory.

In the 5-4 ruling, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote for the majority with the four liberal justices. Each of the four conservative justices wrote their own dissent.

Nearly 46 years to the day after a riot at New York’s Stonewall Inn ushered in the modern gay rights movement, the decision could settle one of the major civil rights fights of this era. The language of Kennedy’s opinion spoke eloquently of the most fundamental values of family, love and liberty.

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family,” Kennedy wrote. “In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than they once were.”

‘Equal dignity in the eyes of the law’

“Their hope,” Kennedy wrote, “is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.”

Kennedy has written the opinion in significant gay rights cases and when he uttered the key sentence that same-sex couples should be able to exercise the right to marry in all states, people in the Court’s public gallery broke into smiles and some wiped tears from their eyes.

Reaction: People soak up history from coast to coast

In a dissent, Justice Antonin Scalia blasted the Court’s “threat to American democracy.”

“The substance of today’s decree is not of immense personal importance to me,” he wrote. “But what really astounds is the hubris reflected in today’s judicial Putsch.”

Chief Justice John Roberts wrote that the decision had “nothing to do with the Constitution.”

READ: The best lines from Scalia’s marriage dissent and Kennedy’s decision

“If you are among the many Americans—of whatever sexual orientation—who favor expanding same-sex marriage, by all means celebrate today’s decision. Celebrate the achievement of a desired goal,” he wrote. “Celebrate the opportunity for a new expression of commitment to a partner. Celebrate the availability of new benefits. But do not celebrate the Constitution. It had nothing to do with it.”

The U.S. is now the 21st country to legalize same-sex marriage nationwide, including territories. Married same-sex couples will now enjoy the same legal rights and benefits as married heterosexual couples nationwide and will be recognized on official documents such as birth and death certificates.

Hundreds of same-sex marriage supporters flooded the plaza and sidewalk in front of the Court to celebrate the ruling, proudly waving rainbow flags and banners with the Human Rights Campaign’s equal sign, which have come to represent the gay rights movement. In an emotional moment, the supporters sang the National Anthem, clapping wildly after singing that the U.S. is “the land of the free.”

WATCH: Obama calls gay marriage case plaintiff Jim Obergefell

After the ruling, President Barack Obama called Jim Obergefell, the lead plaintiff in the case, while he and his supporters celebrated the ruling outside the court.

Obama: ‘Congratulations’

“I just wanted to say congratulations,” Obama said as CNN broadcast his warm words to Obergefell over speakerphone. He added: “Your leadership on this has changed the country.”

Speaking at the White House later in the morning, Obama said “Americans should be very proud,” because small acts of courage “slowly made an entire country realize that love is love.”

By the numbers: Same-sex marriage

The decision affirmed growing public support in the U.S. for gay marriage, with about two-thirds of Americans now in favor. And it comes as gay rights groups have seen gay marriage bans fall rapidly in recent years, with the number of states allowing gay marriage swelling most recently to 37 — that is, until this ruling.

There were two questions before the Court, the first asked whether states could ban same sex marriage, the second asked whether states had to recognize lawful marriages performed out of state.

The relevant cases were argued earlier this year. Attorney John Bursch, serving as Michigan’s Special Assistant Attorney General, defended four states’ bans on gay marriage before the Court, arguing that the case was not about how to define marriage, but rather about who gets to decide the question.

The case came before the Supreme Court after several lower courts overturned state bans on gay marriage. A federal appeals court had previously ruled in favor of the state bans, with Judge Jeffrey Sutton of the Sixth Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals writing a majority opinion in line with the rationale that the issue should be decided through the political process, not the courts.

14 couples

Fourteen couples and two widowers challenged the bans. Attorneys Mary Bonauto and Doug Hallward-Driemeier presented their case before the Court, arguing that the freedom to marry is a fundamental right for all people and should not be left to popular vote.

U.S. reacts to same-sex marriage ruling 16 photos

EXPAND GALLERY

Three years after Obama first voiced his support for gay couples’ right to marry, his administration supported the same sex couples at the Supreme Court.

“Gay and lesbian people are equal,” Solicitor General Donald B. Verrilli Jr. told the justices at the oral arguments earlier this year. “It is simply untenable — untenable — to suggest that they can be denied the right of equal participation in an institution of marriage, or that they can be required to wait until the majority decides that it is ready to treat gay and lesbian people as equals.

MAP: Where same-sex marriage is recognized in the U.S.

Obergefell, the lead plaintiff in the case, married his spouse John Arthur in 2013 months before Arthur died.

The couple, who lived in Ohio, had to travel to Maryland aboard a medical jet to get married when Arthur became gravely ill. And when Arthur died, Obergefell began to fight to be recognized as Arthur’s spouse on his death certificate.

The plaintiffs from Michigan are April DeBoer and Jayne Rowse, two Detroit-area nurses who are also foster parents. They took to the courts after they took in four special-needs newborns who were either abandoned or surrendered at birth, but could not jointly adopt the children because Michigan’s adoption code requires that couples be married to adopt.

Milestones for LGBT rights

Sgt. Ijpe Dekoe and Thomas Kostura became plaintiffs in the gay marriage case after they moved to Tennessee from New York.

The pair had married in New York in 2011, but Dekoe’s position in the Army took the couple to Tennessee, which banned gay marriage and refused to recognize gay marriages performed in other states.

2016

Republicans seeking the White House struggled to find their footing after the ruling.

Candidates running closer to the center, including former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush and South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, issued tightly-parsed language urging their colleagues to focus on protecting “religious freedom”. And Ohio Gov. John Kasich urged Republicans to respect the ruling and ditch the matter altogether.

“In a country as diverse as ours, good people who have opposing views should be able to live side by side. It is now crucial that as a country we protect religious freedom and the right of conscience and also not discriminate,” Bush said in his statement.

READ: Roberts vs. Scalia in Obamacare bout

But conservative firebrands, including Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, said that conservatives must stand and fight by seeking a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

“I will not acquiesce to an imperial court any more than our founders acquiesced to an imperial British monarch. We must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat,” Huckabee said in a statement.

Democrats had no problem reacting, jumping fast on Twitter to express their universal elation.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was “proud” of the ruling and former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley tweeted a photo of the family at the center of his state’s efforts to legalize gay marriage.


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BETROTHAL W/ BOOTY? A discussion of Sex and Marriage

Sex and marriage has a bad reputation.  Heated intensity describes the sexual beginnings of most relationships. However, the complexities of life, work and kids causes things to cool.  For far too many people the latter becomes the norm and the cooling can become downright icy.  This article discusses redefining our thoughts about sexual happiness, how to preserve that carnal intensity and why we should give sex and marriage the break it deserves.

Contrary to conventional wisdom married couples have more sex per month than their single counterparts – (Kinsey report 2010). 3 out of 5 singles had no sex in the previous year vs. 1 in 5 marrieds.  During ages 29-59 Married individuals were 5 times more likely to have sex 2 to 3 times a week.  (25%) – married (5%)- single

Some studies have shown a correlation between familiarity and sexual satisfaction; that long term couples get better at sex and get more pleasure out of it. A Vanderbilt researcher Laura Carpenter explains “while people get older and busier, they also get more skillful in and out of the bed room.”

Carpenter goes on to say that we actually know very little about today’s contemporary marriages.  He says, “There is a need for more studies about the intricacies of who initiates and who does what to whom and for how long.”

John Gottman, Head of couple’s research at the Gottman Institute in Seattle says that involved men get laid more.  “Men who do more housework have more sex than men who don’t.”   According to Gottman, “chore- free” men are seen as less sexy by women he has interviewed than men who pitch in around the house.  However, a study at the University of Washington by Julie Brines found that more masculine chores like paying bills and yard work got higher sex frequencies than did more feminine chores like washing dishes and cooking.

Sociologist Paula England found that monetary compensation had little to do with frequency of sex.  She says that even in marriages where women make more than men, as long as the relationship in general seemed equitable it did not affect the sex.   More important to sexual connection in marriage is that the wife feels respected and understood.

HOW TO HANDLE SEXUAL CHANGES IN MARRAIGE

 There is a definite need to redefine how we view intimacy early on in relationships.  We are programmed to believe that sex is defined by penetration and orgasm, (P and O).  Therefore, early in relationships when things are hot there is a lot of (P and O).  In time if this diminishes, many  couples see a problem. There are ways to explore being sexually intimate that don’t prescribe to this narrative.  It’s important to spend time early, when things are “hot”, not ONLY having penetration intercourse.  Sexual massage can be a good way to add to your intimacy, providing options that work to get you through the slow times.  Non- sexual touching is also very important.

James Conan the director of The Virginia Affective Neuroscience laboratory has done research on how the brain reacts to threats.  It turns out that hand-holding has a calming effect on the brains reaction to perceived threats and fear. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that causes feeling of calmness and manages fear/stress. When they tested fear of rejection, (including sexual rejection) the same reaction was recorded in the brain. Hand-holding had a calming effect on test subjects and was shown to attenuate the fear/stress quotient. The subjects that held the hand of someone who had emotional familiarity reported having the highest levels of calmness and feelings of safety.   Point to married wife—hold hands with your husband especially when turning him down for sex!!   This small gesture could preserve your sex life down the road.    

According to Gottman, navigation of the Infamous “No” is crucial to sexual happiness in marriage.  All couples have to deal with being turned down or having to communicate not being in the mood.  This can be a watershed moment in marriages and it relies more on the person asking for sex.  According to Gottman, it’s not the, “No” that ends sex in marriages it’s the cost imposed by the other person.  If the “pursuing” person shows annoyance it is a form of punishment.  Saying something like “Fine” has a punitive tone and implies that, “I am fine without you.”   That negative communication can lead to less sex in the future.  Instead of saying “Fine” a better response is,’ I understand you are too tired to have sex. I don’t want have sex with someone who is not on the mood.  Let’s do it when you are feeling more into it. What would you like to do?”  Gottman says – “The best outcomes for your sex life come when you reward a ‘No’ and treat it positively.” 

During sexual negotiation in marriage, having a zero – sum philosophy is detrimental. An all or nothing correlation to sex can be toxic.  Interestingly enough, studies have shown men who are better communicators when it comes to being turned down not only have healthier relationships but live longer, healthier lives.

With my private clients, they have reported better sex  with these easy tricks:

  1. Change the routine– Newness is sexy/ routine is boring. Plan something exciting and out of the ordinary
  2. Admit wrong doings and show change- Mostly, the bedroom is a microcosm of the relationship
  3. Try performance enhancers- Gals: Even if doesn’t work you’re having fun down there and you never know what can happen. Guys:  Even if you don’t have ED a huge erection can be a get out of jail free card. If you do have ED ,struggling to get hard is a turnoff for her.
  4. Change how we view sex: don’t get hung up on penetration and fireworks.  A snuggle a day keeps the lawyers away.

Changing the paradigms of what sexual happiness means is key to a happy marriage.  We are socialized to believe that eroticism has to fall into certain guidelines – (penetration, orgasm and what we see in the media and porn)   But, the biggest sexual organ in our bodies is the one between our ears- our brain.  By redefining how we think about intimacy, modern marriages can withstand the ebbs and flows of sexual frequency.


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“Hot Girls Wanted” – New Documentary on Porn

Actress Rashida Jones is best known for her work in “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation.” But her latest project, a documentary called “Hot Girls Wanted,” explores the amateur porn industry, which she says rakes in gobs of cash by exploiting the gullibility of young women who thirst for fame and fortune.

RJ“So much stands in the way of them and that dream,” she tells Yahoo Global News Anchor Katie Couric. “And the things that stand in the way are not being fully explained to them. “Their naiveté is really important as an engine for the porn industry, or at least this part of the porn industry. That’s the problem.”

The film, which Jones produced, premiered at this year’s Sundance Festival. It takes its title from ads that commonly appear on Craigslist seeking “hot girls” for amateur porn, a genre whose name gives the impression that the films are not professionally produced.

“The truth is, it’s cast, it’s lit, it’s scripted; and most of the young girls who go into amateur porn are very young, which makes it seem like they might just be the girl next door,” Jones says.

Jones says she is not anti-porn but is concerned for the well-being of young women who think having sex on camera for money might be their quick ticket to fame and success — to a glamorous life.

Online pornography is a multibillion-dollar industry with a massive reach.

Jones says that pornography used to be more taboo but has seeped into mainstream culture to a troubling degree, where the immediate sexualization of young women in popular culture is the norm.

She says she is thankful to have grown up in an environment where she was free to be sort of a dorky teenager and make mistakes that would not follow her for the rest of her life.

“Ultimately, we have a cultural problem where we put a huge currency on sexualizing young girls,” she says. “It’s been a problem for a while, but I feel like it’s reached a fever pitch.”

Careers in amateur porn are usually short-lived. Relatively new starlets are routinely replaced by newer, younger women to fuel the girl-next-door fantasy.

“The truth is [that in] any pursuit of fame and success and fortune, very few people get to realize that,” she says. “But along the way, unfortunately, I think the costs of this pursuit are higher.”

Jones says that Internet porn is so pervasive because humans are sexual beings and there is little regulation of the Web or porn — so we are left with a simple supply/demand situation.

“People want it. People can get it. We live in a capitalistic democratic society, so we get what we want, basically,” she says. “It’s kind of here to stay, so it’s not really about whether you are anti- or pro-porn,” she says. “It’s just a real part of our reality now.”

Jones, who is the daughter of legendary producer Quincy Jones, is currently at work for Pixar writing Toy Story 4, and starring in an upcoming comedy series produced by Steve Carell.

“Hot Girls Wanted” debuts May 29 on Netflix.

(From Yahoo.com/news)


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Plans to go Trans Part 2

If there’s one thing the Kardashian-Jenner clan knows how to do, it’s let drama unfold on camera. Perhaps never has this talent been more called upon than in the second part of the Keeping Up With the Kardashians special, About Bruce. But while emotions were pinging all over the place among all members of the family (except Rob, who was conspicuously absent), the overall theme was constant: Everyone wants Bruce to be happy… including Bruce.
During the hour-long docu-style show — which was shot before Jenner’s Diane Sawyer interview aired — Bruce took time out to speak with everyone individually to ensure everyone felt at peace with the changes ahead regarding his transition from male to female.
Related: 13 Things We Learned From Bruce Jenner’s Diane Sawyer Interview
Some (like Kim, Kourtney, and Scott) took Bruce’s news in stride, others (like Kris and Khloé), not so much. The youngest of Jenner’s children, Kylie, 17, and Kendall, 19, both handled the situation with a poise it’s often easy to forget they posses — at least, when they want to, that is. Through all the tears, however, were bright spots of joy and humor. We rounded up the best nine moments that show whether you admire Bruce, are upset by Bruce, or are totally confused by Bruce, you’re not alone.
1. Bruce revealed that he does not have an appointment to have gender reassignment surgery.

At the outset of the episode Kim cut right to the chase. Though words seemed to escape her and she was left communicating through awkward hand motions toward Bruce’s nether region, she managed to ask: “So, like you don’t have a surgery to remove that and then that means you’re the woman?”
Bruce replied, “Remove the little thing down there? You can do an awful lot down there. As of right now, no, as of right now, no, [I don’t have an appointment to do that].” However, he did reveal that he had only one appointment left, but it didn’t have anything to do with that.

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2. Kim tried to understand if Bruce is heterosexual or a lesbian or something else.

With that technicality about “the little thing down there” out of the way, Kim moved on to the question of whom Bruce wants to sleep with moving forward. “I’m totally heterosexual,” he answered with confidence before adding, “As a guy, I was always attracted to women.” This only seemed to befuddle Kim more — not that we blame her.
“But if you were a woman, were you a lesbian?” she asked of the time he spent with her mother when he already felt like a female. “After that last appointment, you consider yourself a women,” Kim restated for confirmation. Bruce seemed to agree, prompting her to ask, “Would you date women?” To that, Bruce basically shrugged and said he didn’t know yet.
3. Scott asked Bruce if he was going to be the butchiest girl ever.

During a heart-to-heart chat, Bruce explained to Scott — who apparently had no idea Bruce was transitioning at all — the source of so much of his angst over the years. “My whole life I haven’t been honest with myself,” Bruce said. “I haven’t been honest with my kids and it’s been this big secret that nobody can talk about.” Scott then decided that Bruce’s internal angst must have been the cause of the friction in their relationship over the years (rather than his excessive partying and issues with drinking).
Scott then turned on the charm and asked the former Olympian, “Are you going to be the butchiest girl ever?” Bruce seemed to laugh this question off, prompting Lord Disick to then have another brilliant realization. “Sometimes I thought it was something about me, but I realized that probably I’m just perfect and it’s everybody else around me that’s got issues.” Typical Scott.
4. Khloé recovered from the initial shock of Bruce’s announcement and made up with her stepdad.

In About Bruce: Part 1, Khloé seemed to take Bruce’s transition harder than the rest. She was particularly upset because she felt Bruce had been lying to all of them. But on Monday night’s episode, Kendall urged her older half-sister to reconsider how she was responding. “You don’t need to be so hard on him,” Kendall said. “I’m sure it’s not easy to spill everything all at once, so maybe withholding information is just sort of a natural thing.”bruce-jenner-kardashian-family-secrets-hiding
At first, Khloé defended herself. “I’ve never been through something like that before. Yeah, my reaction was aggressive, but I was more mad that he was proceeding with something, but telling us something completely different until we cornered him.” But once Bruce arrived to talk it out, he quickly got her guard down.
“Sometimes because of my love for you and my feelings for you, I don’t want to hurt you and so I apologize for not being as honest as I should be,” Bruce admitted. Khloé accepted his apology and declared, “You’ve been a f—ing incredible father to all of us.” Despite the expletive, it was rather sweet. “I’ve always been Team Bruce,” she added. The clear indication was that she always will be.
5. Kourtney and Scott revealed that they are keeping the news about Bruce from their son, Mason… for now.

Kourtney, Scott, and Khloé reconvened in some sort of backyard paradise to catch up on the latest and during this chat, Kourt revealed that she doesn’t want to discuss Bruce’s transition in front of her 5-year-old son, Mason. “We are waiting to see what Bruce does before we tell Mason. I definitely don’t want him to find out from someone at school or something like that. I want him to find out through us,” she explained to Khloé, who warned her that it’s pretty much impossible to keep Mason shielded from everyone who could spill the news about his grandfather at any moment. Kourtney conceded that Khloé was probably right, but no real resolution was reached.
For his part, Scott seemed on board with Mason knowing — whenever Kourtney thinks it’s appropriate. “Kourtney and I have definitely talked about how we’re going to explain this to Mason,” he shared. “It’s only a positive for my son and my daughter to know all of the things that go on in this world.”

6. Kris, still clearly angry about her ex-husband’s decision, confessed she feels like Bruce died.

While Bruce seemed to think that Khloé was taking his transition the hardest, from this episode it seemed like Kris was the one feeling really torn apart. “I think I’m just so confused right now,” the matriarch confessed. “I think you shut me out a long time ago. You were angry, which made me angry.” Bruce saw things a bit differently and jumped in saying, “You treated me badly those last four or five years of our marriage. I wasn’t happy.” But Kris wasn’t buying it. “No, you were just very, very angry to the point where we had to separate and then get divorced. You never said this was going to be the end result, ever. So now it makes sense to me and I just think that being honest was something that we all would have appreciated,” she snapped.fb292a60-a07e-11e4-9f47-df235a727f92_kardashians-bruce-jenner-family
But her tone turned from anger to sadness as Bruce continued to reiterate how much he truly cares for her. “I just miss Bruce and that’s going to take me a minute to mourn that relationship,” Kris cried. “I’ll never really be able to have Bruce and all I have really is my memories. I look at pictures of you and the kids and I feel really sad. I feel like you died, like Bruce died, and it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around that.” (Just as a refresher, this is a woman who encouraged her daughter to pose for Playboy. It takes a lot to break Kris Jenner, but Bruce’s bombshell truly did.)
7. Bruce insisted to Kris he never took hormones while they were married and that he still loves her.
One sore spot Bruce was able to mend with Kris was by clarifying when he began his hormone treatments. “I didn’t take them until after we left, until after we went our separate ways. I wasn’t taking them while we were together. That was all done after we separated. I went to a therapist, started to figure myself out,” he explained. “I did none of that beforehand.” He reiterated, again, that he still loves her and — perhaps a bit surprisingly — she reciprocated.

(From Yahoo.celebrity.com)


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The Reality of Sex Robots

An article in the May 2015 publication of Vanity Fair, entitled “Dawn of the Sexbot”, discusses the rapid growth of the company, Realdolls and predicts that men having sex with dolls and robots will increase in our future. Realdoll makes the world’s best sex dolls.  Olivia_RD2C2_4They are so realistic that David Mills, who purchased the company in the early 2000’s, thought that the website was created with pictures of actual models made up to look like dolls. He was right. To research this article I perused the website and it felt like I was watching porn. Gone are the days of the novelty blow ups, thrown around like beach balls at bachelor parties and the price tag is no joke, they start at $6,000. Vince Neil, of Motley Crue, is reported to have spent 15k on his deluxe edition. Howard Stern had sex on air, with a Realdoll, and said it was the best sex he has ever had.

The dolls average100lbs/ 5 feet. They are made from molded silicon said to feel like real human skin. They have arms and legs that can be manipulated into a myriad of positions. You can buy a standard model or make your own- customizing everything from eyeliner to pubic hair. Many predict a future that goes beyond this. Realdoll is designing models that have robotics- Massaging genitals, vocal responses and simulated orgasms in response to manipulation. So how far out are sex-robots? In 2006 DR. Henrik Christensen, the chairman of the European Robotics Network at the Royal Institute of Technology, at the University if Stockholm, predicted that humans would be having sex with robots in the next five years. In his Book, Love and Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human- Robot Relationships, David Levy professed that by 2050 robots will have the capacity make themselves romantically attractive, desirable, and able to fall in love with humans. Right in line with these predictions are two films that have protagonists navigating relationships with AI (artificial intelligence) females. In last year’s film HER (Starring Joaquin Phoenix and Amy Adams) our hero falls in love with a program (voiced by Scarlett Johansen) that is designed to interpret his emotional needs. Although they have only a vocal relationship, Phoenix’s character falls in love  exmachina This month the film Ex Machina (a play on the Latin phrase: deus ex machina, “a god from the machine”) tells the story of a misanthropic internet genuis who hires a research assistant to administer a Turing test to a female robot. The test subject is an attractive, emotionally intelligent android named Ava, (played by Alicia Vikander). “She” actualizes humanity by –Spoiler Alert– using her femininity to manipulate her examiners into getting what she wants; freedom. Hmmm…A female using her guile to get what she wants from men…?? I could have written that movie about my time in Hollywood, but I digress.

Is this technological progress or an abrogation of our sexual mores? Are we living in a time of de-humanization? We have to admit that we are more disconnected than ever. Half of the communication of people under the age of 25 is texted. We are programmed to get exactly what we want when we want, with-out human interaction. ubiquitous free pornography is a key swipe away. Our experiences are validated by “selfies” and how many “likes” we get. How do we actually meet each other anymore? People at Starbucks, glued to phone screens, look away only to grab their double, non fat,carmel, Frappuccinos. It’s no wonder our grandparents stayed married. They didn’t meet on-line and they never logged on to Ashley Madison to have an affair because they met on a street in Paris, in person, and fell in love while fighting WW2. In this age of digital immediacy it begs the question- Are we falling out of human connectedness or are we reverting back to our biological inheritance? Perhaps men long for the origins of emotionless sex. Our genetics dictate that we inseminate as many females as possible. When we were nomadic hunters we took females by force and got laid without having to go to Chevy’s and a Nicholas Sparks film. I wonder, If you got men to be REALLY honest and asked them if they could have sexual gratification without the hassles of emotional entanglements- what would they say?


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Whats Wrong With Me? What to do about low desire

Last week, Sprout Pharmaceuticals resubmitted its drug flibanserin to the Food and Drug Administration for approval. Flibanserin, in case you haven’t heard, is a drug intended to treat low sexual desire in women. The F.D.A. has rejected it twice already, and will most likely reject it a third time because (if you’re Sprout) the F.D.A. is sexist or (if you’re the F.D.A.) the drug doesn’t work and isn’t safe.

But the biggest problem with the drug — and with the F.D.A.’s consideration of it — is that its backers are attempting to treat something that isn’t a disease.

Flibanserin purportedly treats a condition called hypoactive sexual desire disorder in women. But H.S.D.D. was removed from the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 2013, and replaced with a new diagnosis called female sexual interest/arousal disorder, or F.S.I.A.D.

Why the change? Researchers have begun to understand that sexual response is not the linear mechanism they once thought it was. The previous model, originating in the late ’70s, described a lack of “sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity.” It placed sexual desire first, as if it were a hunger, motivating an individual to pursue satisfaction. Desire was conceptualized as emerging more or less “spontaneously.” And some people do feel they experience desire that way. Desire first, then arousal.

But it turns out many people (perhaps especially women) often experience desire as responsive, emerging in response to, rather than in anticipation of, erotic stimulation. Arousal first, then desire.

Both desire styles are normal and healthy. Neither is associated with pain or any disorder of arousal or orgasm.

The new diagnosis is intended for women who lack both spontaneous and responsive desire, and are distressed by this. For these women, research has found that nonpharmaceutical treatments like sex therapy can be effective.

But I can’t count the number of women I’ve talked with who assume that because their desire is responsive, rather than spontaneous, they have “low desire”; that their ability to enjoy sex with their partner is meaningless if they don’t also feel a persistent urge for it; in short, that they are broken, because their desire isn’t what it’s “supposed” to be.

What these women need is not medical treatment, but a thoughtful exploration of what creates desire between them and their partners. This is likely to include confidence in their bodies, feeling accepted, and (not least) explicitly erotic stimulation. Feeling judged or broken for their sexuality is exactly what they don’t need — and what will make their desire for sex genuinely shut down.

Apparently we still haven’t learned our lesson about what happens when we pathologize normal sexual functioning.

In a 1972 issue of The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, the neurologist Robert G. Heath reported that he had recorded the brain activity of a young man suffering from epilepsy and “severe mental illness,” including “a five-year history of overt homosexuality.

The patient had electrodes implanted in his cortex, which was then thought to control pleasure. He was given a “three-button self-stimulating” device, with which he could zap his own brain for three hours at a time — which he did, about once every 10 seconds. Researchers showed him stag films (read: porn), introduced him to a female prostitute and measured his brain activity during heterosexual intercourse. Dr. Heath said the treatment was effective.

A year later, homosexuality was voted out of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Now, of course, only a fringe minority of the medical community would suggest that sexual orientation is anything other than a normal aspect of human sexuality.

This analogy between desire style and sexual orientation is imperfect: There is no reason to suspect that responsive or spontaneous desire is innate. In fact all desire is somewhat responsive, even when it feels spontaneous. But Dr. Heath and Sprout are both part of the long history of trying to call “diseased” what is simply different.

When a woman experiencing responsive desire comes to understand how to make the most of her desire, she opens up the opportunity for greater satisfaction. Outdated science isn’t going to improve our sex lives. But embracing our differences — working with our sexuality, rather than against it — will.

(From NY Times)


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Hookers – The first feminists?

In the nineteenth century, a woman who was well paid, owned property, had sex outside of marriage, performed/received oral sex, used birth control, wore makeup, perfume or stylish clothes and didn’t hide it, was probably a prostitute. In a time when women were barred from most jobs and had no legal right to own property, prostitutes of the old west were very successful and respected. Thaddeus Russell, in his book, A Renegade History of the United States, proves that marginalized people, (like hookers) not discussed in history class, were the real catalysts for important social movements. His contention is that fin-de-siècle prostitutes who migrated out west were the pioneers of feminism.

In late 19th and early 20th century, women could only work in a couple of industries. A 1916 study by the US department of labor reported that the two major occupations for women in the country were department store clerking and light manufacturing. Both paid an average weekly salary of $6.67, barely enough to subsist. Other choices for women to become financially stable were: 1.Break the inequality 2. Marry into money. Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a leading feminist of her time, noted that human beings are the only species in that one sex lives entirely dependent upon the other for existence.

A perfect place to challenge this status quo was the “Wild West.” In 1850, the non-Indian population of California was 93% male. Entrepreneurial women with moral inequities saw an opportunity. Sex workers came to the west and quickly became the highest paid women in the US. Many salaries were double what male trade union workers made. Historian Paula Petrick found that approximately 60% of hookers in Helena, Montana between 1865 and 1870, “reported either personal wealth or property or both.” The most successful prostitutes in the country became “Madams”. They bought mansions, turned them into brothels and managed the business of sex. Madams were some of the wealthiest people in the country and were pillars of their society. They lent money to cities like Denver and San Francisco for land grants or water rights, entered into politics and were instrumental in the developments of the towns they did business in.

Black women thrived as well. It is unlikely that there were more wealthy or powerful black women in the nineteenth- century than Mary Ellen “Mammy” Pleasant and Sarah B. “Babe” Connors. Pleasant, an ex-slave, gave loans to elite San Francisco residents. She sued to desegregate the city’s street cars, 60 years before Rosa Parks, making her the mother of the human rights struggle in California. Connors’ brothels were some of the most luxurious establishments in the mid-west. They became nationally famous for ragtime jazz musicians that would play there.

Madams not only paid their workers far higher wages than most other industries, they were the first to provide benefits for employees including free birth control, healthcare, legal assistance, housing and meals. Few American workers from either sex enjoyed such benefits. When moral reformers tried to outlaw birth control, hookers single handedly kept the industry alive. In the 1870s, 5% to 10% of women in American cities were prostitutes. They made up the majority of birth control consumers. Consequently, the industry was kept alive until 1920 when contraception production and distribution was legalized.

Between 1909 and 1917, 31 states passed “red-light abatement” laws allowing courts to shut down buildings used for immoral purposes. This lead to laws forbidding the keeping of a “disorderly house” or in any way managing prostitutes as a madam. This forced prostitutes onto the streets and arrests for street-walkers skyrocketed across the nation. This also allowed the entry of pimps. Without brothels and madams, whores were forced into the “protection” of criminals. With the banishment of red light areas in cities, prostitution moved from an industry of female power to male power. It’s been a hundred years and not much has changed. Whores are subjected to the mistreatment of pimps and organized crime, resulting in violence and sexual slavery.

Gone are the days of sex workers being respected members of society and what they did to foreshadow the feminist movement is mostly forgotten… but here are some more of their contributions-

Equal Pay: Most prostitutes were paid higher than most men during this time.
Self-defense: Women in brothels were known to carry pistols and defend themselves.
Wearing Make – up: The “rouge” of a “painted woman” was seen as immoral and promoting vice.
Wearing Perfume: Until 1929 mostly prostitutes and “Low level” women used perfume.
Dancing in Public: Any overtly sexual dancing was considered practice of blacks and prostitutes.
Smoking: No respectable women would smoke and would hide it if they did.
Stylish Clothes: Only whores wore the color red which was taboo during this time and was considers the color of sex. They also wore scandalous clothes that showed their calves and shoulders.
Oral Sex: Sodomy laws in 48 states forbade fellatio even for married until the 1950’s. Sex outside of marriage was rare unless it was with a whore.
Entertainment: Ragtime, the precursor to Jazz, was mainly played in brothels in the west.
Integrated Workplace: Towns of the early west were integrated. No more seen then in brothels where workers were multi-cultural and interracial sex was commonplace.
Occupational Benefits: Brothels were one of the only places where workers were able to have health benefits such as free birth control and regular paid doctor visits.